Yeah, it was an admittedly short hiatus, I know. Many thanks to Chris for lending an ear and my boy Boo for his concern.
What happened?
The short answer is, I was driven temporarily around the bend by Mark's ex-wife1.
Short answers are great. They can be used to absolve oneself of responsibility.. "Damn her, it's all her fault.." Real life ain't that easy. In reality, the situation can be expressed best using an equation2:
(Ex_Wife's_Behavior)*((Control_Queen)*(Drama_Queen)) = (Mattee_Disturbance)
Stay with me on this... I'll 'splain, Lucy. We'll start from the very beginning3.
On Thursday Morning, I'm awakened by a phone call from Mark:"Honey, I'm having an allergic reaction. I'm all swollen, itchy and wheezy. Could you come over, please?" I throw on some clothes and bolt out the door. As I'm driving over, I'm hoping that the antihistamine he took was working, but I was mentally preparing myself for a visit to the Holy Hell, erm, Holy Spirit ER.
Fortunately, I arrived to find His symptoms subsiding, the house cold from being aired out. It turns out that Mark had spot treated and shampooed all the carpet in the house the night before and had gone to sleep shortly after. Since the windows were closed to keep out the cold, he was breathing in a mixture of chemicals all night.
While we're waiting for his realtor to arrive, he told me that, in the midst of this allergic reaction, he'd gotten a call from (ex-wife). "Mark," she said,"I've been getting phone calls from various people. I suggest you tone down your activities, for the sake of the children." At the time, all he could manage to do was say "OK" between gasps until he could get her off the phone.
Although I could understand his inability to effectively question her at that moment, my mind was immediately filled with questions. "What is she talking about?" "Who's calling her?" "What are they saying?" "How are they getting their information?"
With the realtor meeting over, and Mark feeling a bit better, he went to work, I went home. Alone. My lifelong tendency to worry began to kick in4.
(Ex_Wife's_Behavior)*((Control_Queen)*(Drama_Queen)+(worrywart)) = (Mattee_Agitation)
I then started to invent all kinds of scenarios in my head. "Jesus.. she's going to take him back to court for custody. I'm going to be subpoenaed. I wonder if she's having Mark (and therefore me) investigated?
I know. Crazy.
I actually started to make plans to pack up and get rid of all my porn, began planning the shutdown of my website (hence the "hiatus" notice), and began researching how to remove my site from Google and the other search engines. I wanted to be "squeaky clean" when the man with the search warrant came.
I know. Crazy.
Mark came over Friday morning to see me, and was happy to report that he'd gone to see {ex-wife}, stood up to her, and told her to lay off. He also said that he did ask her for details about her earlier statements, but that she had refused to elaborate.
I should have been happy that my BF stood up to the bitch. I should have been proud of him for deciding that he was going to live his life exactly the way he had been, that he was no longer going to allow her to bully him the way she did during their marriage.
But no.
(Ex_Wife's_Behavior)*((Control_Queen)*(Drama_Queen)+(worrywart)+ (ex-wife's stonewalling) = (Mattee_Meltdown)
Instead, her stonewalling sent me spinning out of control into a (largely silent) rage. I began shutting down completely, and began pondering ending this relationship because I couldn't stand dealing with "the big secret". At the same time, I was bewildered by the intensity of my anger. Where the hell was *that* coming from?
Friday night, at my worst, Mark and I were on the phone discussing the "when" of coming out to the kids. He (sensibly) said that now wouldn't be the best time, given that their mother just announced she is re-marrying, and the kids are going to have to adjust to a step-father, 3 step-siblings, 3 new dogs, and moving to a new home. Instead of agreeing with him, I began interrogating him as to if there would *ever* be a good time. I snapped, "No, next it will be 'Well, (Daughter) has to get ready to go to college'. Then it'll be 'No, now (Son) has to adjust to high school'".
Understandably frustrated with me, Mark did his best, but we mutually agreed to end the phone call. I was at work, and I needed to maintain my composure. Mark ended by saying, "Work this through. I'll be here when you're done."
I was miserable. What the hell was I doing, trying to dictate to my boyfriend about coming out? Why the hell was I so angry?
Christ, I needed a drink, and/or some strange dick (my usual coping mechanisms under stress). After work, I came *thisclose* to going out and getting either or both.
Happily, I did neither. I went home, popped the tab on a can of coke, watched Conan and sat with Harry purring on my lap. Suddenly, it hit me.
{ex-Wife} = {Psycho Bitch Sister}5
My sister used to behave this way all the time. Her: "Well, you've embarrassed me again. People are telling me all sorts of things about you!" Me: "What are you talking about?" Her: "You KNOW what I'm talking about." Me (alarmed): "No, I don't!" Her: "Never mind. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. Just cut it out!"
As soon as all of this clicked in my head, the crazy swirling anger storm drained away. I actually went to bed happy it was over, relieved to be able to sleep.
Yesterday (Saturday Morning), I called Mark and explained what triggered my insanity. He accepted my apologies for criticizing him and for being a crazed jerk and said, "You know, those two are peas in a pod.. probably {ex-wife} and {Psycho Bitch Sister} would be great pals." We both howled.
We're definitely OK. I went over last night and hung out with him and the kids last night, and all is back to normal, thank God.
Back to our regularly scheduled blog.
_
1. I've never had the (dis)pleasure of meeting the woman. Through reports from Mark that have been verified by others, I've determined she's an abusive, controlling bitch.
2. Forgive my syntax. Algebra was never my strong suit. PEMDAS, anybody?
3. Which is, as we all know, a very good place to start.
4. I'm not kidding about the "lifelong" part. My first grade teacher wrote "Matt worries too much" in the comments on my report card.
5.For more info on this, see 'Welcome to Hell'