The last few months have been extremely busy for me, and although I realized I hadn't been updating, last week, I finally was faced with the truth.

My blog content has sucked. Badly. For a long time. When I started searching my archives to respond to a recent comment on a post made last year, I was shocked to see how the content quality (not all that fab to begin with) had declined even further.

Additionally, I've got stuff to do. Walls to paint. Floors to refinish. A window to replace. Soon, the lawn mowing will start again.

In the past year, I've packed on almost 30 pounds. They aren't going to come off if I spend my time sitting my ass in front of a computer beyond the 8 hours I'm required to do so.

So, it's time. Will I EVER resume blogging? I don't know.

Thank you to all of my blog linkers, to Ying (who introduced me to the world of blogging) and to all the people who I met here and have become, well, close to, I guess.... my boy Boo, Canucky studmuffin Shel, Chris, Fredo. Of course, I can't forget my boys across the pond... Jonathan, David, Ian.. thank you for the comments, the links, the kind words.

Be well.

What does this have to do with having a "blog/computer jones"?. I had to dismantle and move my office so the room could be properly treated, and I haven't been able to set everything back up yet ( I'm posting from work). It has been three days since I logged on at home. I am REALLY starting to miss my computer.

I decided, however, that as long as the room is basically empty, I'm going to divest one more room of the hideous orange-patterned 70's hell carpet this weekend, and probably the upstairs hallway as well. if I get REALLY ambitious, it may ALL go.

B5 d t+ k++ s u f- i o x+ e++ l+ c

Daddy Ron does it again with a FAB meme.

Next thing I see, like a periscope, up pops a tiny pink kitten penis. My kitten has a hard-on!

Jesus. All it takes is a little rubbing and some nonsense whispered in his ear. Just like his daddy.

What happened?

Short answers are great. They can be used to absolve oneself of responsibility.. "Damn her, it's all her fault.." Real life ain't that easy. In reality, the situation can be expressed best using an equation²:

(Ex_Wife's_Behavior)*((Control_Queen)*(Drama_Queen)) = (Mattee_Disturbance)

Stay with me on this... I'll 'splain, Lucy. We'll start from the very beginning³.

On Thursday Morning, I'm awakened by a phone call from Mark:"Honey, I'm having an allergic reaction. I'm all swollen, itchy and wheezy. Could you come over, please?" I throw on some clothes and bolt out the door. As I'm driving over, I'm hoping that the antihistamine he took was working, but I was mentally preparing myself for a visit to the Holy Hell, erm, Holy Spirit ER.

Fortunately, I arrived to find His symptoms subsiding, the house cold from being aired out. It turns out that Mark had spot treated and shampooed all the carpet in the house the night before and had gone to sleep shortly after. Since the windows were closed to keep out the cold, he was breathing in a mixture of chemicals all night.

While we're waiting for his realtor to arrive, he told me that, in the midst of this allergic reaction, he'd gotten a call from (ex-wife). "Mark," she said,"I've been getting phone calls from various people. I suggest you tone down your activities, for the sake of the children." At the time, all he could manage to do was say "OK" between gasps until he could get her off the phone.

Although I could understand his inability to effectively question her at that moment, my mind was immediately filled with questions. "What is she talking about?" "Who's calling her?" "What are they saying?" "How are they getting their information?"

With the realtor meeting over, and Mark feeling a bit better, he went to work, I went home. Alone. My lifelong tendency to worry began to kick in⁴.

(Ex_Wife's_Behavior)*((Control_Queen)*(Drama_Queen)+(worrywart)) = (Mattee_Agitation)

I then started to invent all kinds of scenarios in my head. "Jesus.. she's going to take him back to court for custody. I'm going to be subpoenaed. I wonder if she's having Mark (and therefore me) investigated?

I know. Crazy.

I actually started to make plans to pack up and get rid of all my porn, began planning the shutdown of my website (hence the "hiatus" notice), and began researching how to remove my site from Google and the other search engines. I wanted to be "squeaky clean" when the man with the search warrant came.

I know. Crazy.

Mark came over Friday morning to see me, and was happy to report that he'd gone to see {ex-wife}, stood up to her, and told her to lay off. He also said that he did ask her for details about her earlier statements, but that she had refused to elaborate.

I should have been happy that my BF stood up to the bitch. I should have been proud of him for deciding that he was going to live his life exactly the way he had been, that he was no longer going to allow her to bully him the way she did during their marriage.

But no.

(Ex_Wife's_Behavior)*((Control_Queen)*(Drama_Queen)+(worrywart)+ (ex-wife's stonewalling) = (Mattee_Meltdown)

Instead, her stonewalling sent me spinning out of control into a (largely silent) rage. I began shutting down completely, and began pondering ending this relationship because I couldn't stand dealing with "the big secret". At the same time, I was bewildered by the intensity of my anger. Where the hell was *that* coming from?

Friday night, at my worst, Mark and I were on the phone discussing the "when" of coming out to the kids. He (sensibly) said that now wouldn't be the best time, given that their mother just announced she is re-marrying, and the kids are going to have to adjust to a step-father, 3 step-siblings, 3 new dogs, and moving to a new home. Instead of agreeing with him, I began interrogating him as to if there would *ever* be a good time. I snapped, "No, next it will be 'Well, (Daughter) has to get ready to go to college'. Then it'll be 'No, now (Son) has to adjust to high school'".

Understandably frustrated with me, Mark did his best, but we mutually agreed to end the phone call. I was at work, and I needed to maintain my composure. Mark ended by saying, "Work this through. I'll be here when you're done."

I was miserable. What the hell was I doing, trying to dictate to my boyfriend about coming out? Why the hell was I so angry?

Christ, I needed a drink, and/or some strange dick (my usual coping mechanisms under stress). After work, I came *thisclose* to going out and getting either or both.

Happily, I did neither. I went home, popped the tab on a can of coke, watched Conan and sat with Harry purring on my lap. Suddenly, it hit me.

{ex-Wife} = {Psycho Bitch Sister}⁵

My sister used to behave this way all the time. Her: "Well, you've embarrassed me again. People are telling me all sorts of things about you!" Me: "What are you talking about?" Her: "You KNOW what I'm talking about." Me (alarmed): "No, I don't!" Her: "Never mind. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. Just cut it out!"

As soon as all of this clicked in my head, the crazy swirling anger storm drained away. I actually went to bed happy it was over, relieved to be able to sleep.

Yesterday (Saturday Morning), I called Mark and explained what triggered my insanity. He accepted my apologies for criticizing him and for being a crazed jerk and said, "You know, those two are peas in a pod.. probably {ex-wife} and {Psycho Bitch Sister} would be great pals." We both howled.

We're definitely OK. I went over last night and hung out with him and the kids last night, and all is back to normal, thank God.

Back to our regularly scheduled blog.

_

^1. I've never had the (dis)pleasure of meeting the woman. Through reports from Mark that have been verified by others, I've determined she's an abusive, controlling bitch.

^2. Forgive my syntax. Algebra was never my strong suit. PEMDAS, anybody?

^3. Which is, as we all know, a very good place to start.

^4. I'm not kidding about the "lifelong" part. My first grade teacher wrote "Matt worries too much" in the comments on my report card.

^5.For more info on this, see 'Welcome to Hell'

Giftage was fairly low-key and simple... Markie and I exchanged CDs* and a few small items (he gave me a small tool set, I got him mugs from the diner we ate at the night we met and a pair of thermal socks). I bought Mikey this year's Hess Truck,(click for pic)and a Border's Certificate for Sue.

As usual, the food was fab. Ham, sweet and mashed potatoes, corn. We also had what Markie calls "hunky sausage" (spicy!) and his version of sarma, which he'd made over the weekend. Really good stuff!

We spent the day quietly, hanging with the kids, watching movies and TV (including AbFab and SNL marathons on Comedy Central) and we made a couple trips to the house to check on progress and/or show it off :).

*Click [more] for CD info.

*From him to me: Shawn Colvin, Whole New You

Of additional interest is the Autism Spectrum Quotient, which is "a measure of the extent of autistic traits in adults". I took the test and scored 15... below the average and well below the score that indicates a potential problem. Thank god. ADD is enough, thank you!

How did YOU score?

(for background on the issue, click here.)

Yeah, that's right. Queers need not apply.

PFLAG has slips you can print out to put in their kettles instead of money.

(click here to see the slips.. warning... PDF file.)

Alternatively, here are some other images:

queerdollar

homocash

Not to be. Last month, a scant 3 months after their wedding, he was diagnosed with lung cancer which has already metastasized to his spine, his jaw, and his knee.

Although he has started radiation (and Chemotherapy starts tomorrow), the doctors have made it clear that the treatment is an attempt to provide him more time to address his personal matters and be with his family. No one is talking about remission or cure.

My coping mechanism? Click into "caseworker" mode.... it's been awhile, but there are details to attend to that I can help with. Today, for, example, I accompanied them to Social Security to file for Disability benefits. This is something I know.. I filed a bunch of SSD claims back in my CW days, all successful the first time around.

So, cool. Focus on papers, medical records, details, signatures, so I can set aside all of what I'm feeling right now:

I gotta keep breathing. Gotta keep cranking out the papers (and hugs) for B&K and their kids, gotta keep hugging (and talking and crying with) my guy.

Breathe in.......breathe out.

Breathe in.......breathe out.

For Christmas, I *was* going to surprise myself this year with a Handspring Visor, maybe with a W***ows XP upgrade, maybe some more clothes for work. What a difference a day makes.

My clothes dryer can no longer regulate it's temperature. When I went to pull clothes from the dryer the other day, they were so hot I couldn't touch them. After pulling the back and top off the unit to be sure it wasn't a lint buildup issue, I jotted down the model and serial numbers, went upstairs and looked online for parts info. The schematic drawing for the model was dated February, 1974.

Holy Shit. My washer and Dryer are 27 years old. Consensus between my parents, Markie, and myself: let 'em go, buy new.

So, here it is, less than 2 weeks before Christmas, and I've got to invest in appliances. Fug.

He truly IS his Daddy's cat.... :)

Umm, ok. Anything I can grab onto to rationalize away the pathetic state of my house right now is welcomed. If you listen carefully, you can hear the heavy breathing coming from my bedroom. No, it's not from my boyfriend or a hot trick, it's from the pile of dirty laundry in my bedroom... it is forming it's own ecosystem at this point, I swear. I have a bathroom that I'm supposed to be sanding and scraping to prepare to be painted before the end of the month. What am I doing instead? Blogging, IM-ing, reading blogs.

Ok, so the day wasn't a total waste. I did have a wonderful IM chat with Chris of encorswish, then I went to meet my best buddy Joe at the Vietnamese Garden for soup. I also managed to pick up a present for Mikey (Mark's son) as well as pick up a prescription I needed. Tonight, I'll be joining a bunch of friends at the annual Harrisburg Men's Chorus Holiday Concert. After that, I'll be heading over to Mark's to catch SNL with him and the kids.

Eh... (or as Keith would say, "Pfft!") I'll be motivated tomorrow!