[Previous entry: "Geez, how sweet.."]
[Main Index]
[Next entry: "Techno - Queen"]
07/26/2001
"Control Queen"
Hi, I'm Mattee, and I'm a recovering Control Queen.
You know, after all those years of therapy, I thought I had my shit in order, that I'd broken ALL the old patterns, learned all the lessons. Unfortunately, the old "stuff" can surface and bite me in the ass without me even seeing it coming.
It has to do with the "rough patch with the boyfriend" that I alluded to in this post. Without revealing too much, lets just say an issue came up where the BF wanted me to do a particular thing in a certain timeframe. Subconsciously, my inner CQ got tweaked because I felt like I was losing control over the decision. My response was to say, "OK, if by doing this thing we get a result of A, then I'm outta here" ... meaning, I'd pull the plug on our relationship..
Although this sounds more like a Drama Queen (DQ) response, it wasn't .. I meant it, at the time. When I reported this to a couple of my best friends, they both responded similarly, although carefully and supportively:
"So, you're making this decision with absolutely no input from the BF?"
"Yes." I replied.
"And he has nothing to say about it."
I said, "No, it's not his decision."
Pause.
"Are you sure you want to take that position, given how well things have been going, how happy you are, and how well you've been communicating so far?"
Bang! That's when I realized what was happening. What does a Control Queen do when feeling a loss of Control? Answer: Clamp Down even harder regarding every other issue or decision that needs to be made. How insane - I can't even believe I could allow the words "he has no say in the matter" out of my mouth.
The issue at hand was necessarily postponed because of a third party's schedule, so we've not raised it again. When we do, I'll be sure to apologize and try to explain all of this to him.
